Yesterday was a hard day. I was over-tired I suppose, and I was having crazy thoughts. I ended up in a pile, weeping. It wasn't just over-tiredness though. A lot of the thoughts were the ones I've been covering up. I have no idea who I am, for one. All I know is that I can't stop being self-absorbed. Self-absorption is who I am. Until I know, I can't stop searching. Every so often I reinvent myself, try a new face on. It never sticks though. I love writing, but the reason I'm trying to be a writer is because I want the people I love to respect me. I have a friend with this quiet confidence, this natural beauty that draws people to her. I try to emulate the way she is, but it doesn't suit me because her natural beauty is unnatural on me. Kyle suggested I go away alone for a while, go travelling, be alone with me and see what happens. I'll consider it. I really want to have a joint-project, but there's nobody to do that with right now. I'm cut off creatively. And it would back-fire, I'd end up giving over all of myself to someone else. I'm a follower, not a leader. I'll just keep going though, until I stop.
Crying at Undercover Boss, that's who I am.
